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Warren Gerds/Extra! Even at a ballgame, ever the critic

For the fun of it, here’s a critique of a Brewers experience.
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PHOTO: The dome is closed at Sunday’s Milwaukee Brewers-Cincinnati Reds game at Miller Park. Warren Gerds photo

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (WFRV) – Sunday, my daughter treated me to a Milwaukee Brewers game. Father’ Day, you know. After we’re in our seats, she takes a selfie (a photo of us with her phone camera) and puts it up on her Facebook page. Soon, friends and relatives respond. One response is from a high school classmate of hers in Green Bay. The classmate kids that she’ll wait for my critique. My daughter and I chuckle about that, in part because the classmate works at WFRV. Later, I get to thinking. Wouldn’t it be fun to…

… fun to do up a review of Sunday’s Brewers game for funsies, jollies, laughs.

So here it is, a for-fun critique of the game, set up in the way TV scripts are prepared for teleprompters. Here we go:

((ON CAM)) ANCHOR: OUR CRITIC AT LARGE WARREN GERDS TOOK IN A MILWAUKEE BREWERS GAME THE OTHER DAY.

 

HERE’S HIS TAKE ON THE “PLAY” HE SAW.

 

((ON CAM)): WARREN: THE PERFORMANCE BY THE BREWERS WAS NOT SO HOT.

 

THE FINAL SCORE WAS BREWERS FOUR, CINCINNATI REDS THIRTEEN.

 

THIRTEEN!

 

THAT’S NOT A BASEBALL SCORE, THAT’S A TOUCHDOWN, AN EXTRA POINT AND TWO FIELD GOALS IN FOOTBALL.

 

AS A PLAY, THAT SCORE MADE THIS GAME A TRAGI-COMEDY.

 

THIRTEEN IS PRETTY MUCH A TRAGEDY.

 

FOLKS LEFT EARLY.

 

WAY EARLY.

 

TRAGIC.

 

THE STADIUM DOME WAS CLOSED FOR PART OF THE GAME BECAUSE OF THE THREAT OF RAIN.

 

THE DOME WAS OPENED IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD TO LET THE STINK OF THE BREWERS OUT.

 

EVERYBODY IS A CRITIC AT A BASEBALL GAMES, YOU KNOW.

 

I HEARD A LOT OF EXPERTISE AROUND ME.

 

FAN CRITIC: THE BREWERS BATTERS SHOULD HOLD THEIR BACK ELBOW UP MORE.

 

FAN CRITIC: THE BREWERS PITCHER SHOULD “PUT ONE PAST HIS NOSE.”

 

FAN CRITIC: A SWITCH-HITTER FOR THE BREWERS, “SHOULD BAT RIGHT” – EVEN THOUGH HE HAD A DOUBLE BATTING LEFT HANDED ON HIS LAST TIME UP.

 

FAN CRITIC: BOOOOOO!!!

 

THE GAME DID HAVE COMEDY.

 

THE BREWERS HAVE MEN ON SECOND AND THIRD. TWO OUTS. THE REDS WALK THE EIGHTH MAN IN THE BATTING ORDER TO FORCE THE BREWERS MANAGER TO HAVE HIS PITCHER BAT OR TAKE HIM OUT. THE SCORE IS THREE TO NOTHING REDS AT THE TIME. THE MANAGER OPTS TO HAVE HIS PITCHER BAT. THE PITCHER IS ONE-FOR-TWENTY-FIVE AT THE PLATE. ONE FOR TWENTY-FIVE! PITIFUL! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES HE’S GOING TO GET A HIT? SMACK – THE PITCHER HITS A SINGLE UP THE MIDDLE AND DRIVES IN A RUN.

 

THAT’S FUNNY.

 

THE NEXT GUY UP HITS A DOUBLE, DRIVING IN TWO RUNS. THE PITCHER – OUR SLUGGER – RACES TO THIRD BASE, AND HE HAS TO TAKE A HEAD-FIRST DIVE TO MAKE IT THERE SAFELY. WHEN HE’S NEXT ON THE MOUND, HE’S GOT DIRT ALL OVER THE FRONT OF HIS UNIFORM. DIRT LIKE CRAZY. IT’S DIRT OF GLORY FOR A PITCHER WHO NOW IS TWO FOR TWENTY-SIX AS A BATTER. I TELL MY DAUGHTER, “AFTER THE GAME, HE SHOULD HAVE THE UNIFORM FRAMED BECAUSE HE’S NEVER GOING TO SEE THIRD BASE AGAIN.”

 

COMEDY.

 

IN THAT INNING, THE PITCHER GIVES UP HIS THIRD HOME RUN OF THE GAME AND TWO MORE RUNS.

 

TRAGEDY.

 

AS FAR AS AN OVERALL PRODUCTION GOES, WHAT THE BREWERS DO ON GAME DAY IS IMPRESSIVE – ALL THE MOVING PARTS, ALL THE PEOPLE AND COORDINATION IT TAKES TO PULL OFF AN EVENT FOR FORTY-TWO THOUSAND FANS ON THIS DAY. THE LOGISTICS ARE DAUNTING.

 

I HAVE A CRITICISM, HOWEVER.

 

THE BREWERS HAVE A NEW, GIANT SCOREBOARD THAT TELLS YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT PLAYERS EXCEPT WHAT THEY ATE FOR BREAKFAST. THEIR BATTING AVERAGES ARE UPDATED WITH EVERY AT-BAT. THE EARNED-RUN AVERAGES FOR PITCHERS CHANGE BY INNING, OR LESS IF THERE’S BEEN A SCORE OFF THEM. REPLAYS GALORE, HISTORIC HAPPENINGS, ANIMATION, FIREWORKS – WOW.

 

BUT NOWHERE THAT I SAW WAS THERE AN INDICATION OF OFFICIAL SCORER’S CALLS AFTER TRICKY SITUATIONS. THERE WAS A BUNCH OF SITUATIONS SUNDAY. ONE WAS THIS: THE REDS HAVE MEN ON SECOND AND THIRD. THE BATTER HITS THE BALL TO THIRD. THE THIRD BASEMAN GLOVES THE BALL, AND THE BALL POPS UP A BIT. THE THIRD BASEMAN STILL HAS TIME TO TRY TO MAKE A PLAY AT FIRST FOR THE OUT. HE DOESN’T. FIELDER’S CHOICE? ERROR? HIT? EVENTUALLY… EVENTUALLY ANOTHER HIT WAS ADDED TO THE REDS’ TALLY OF HITS THAT WAS HEADED TOWARD NINETEEN HITS FOR THE DAY – NINETEEN! BUT I WANT THE SCOREBOARD TO TELL ME THE OFFICIAL SCORER’S DECISION. I SEARCHED AND SEARCHED BUT COULDN’T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT A CALL ON THE SCOREBOARD. I DEMAND TO SEE THOSE CALLS IN PLAIN SIGHT IN HUGE LETTERS, WITH ARROWS POINTING TOWARD THEM, AND WHISTLES AND BELLS SOUNDING. TAKE CARE OF THAT, BREWERS. TODAY.

 

I’M WARREN GERDS, LOCAL FIVE CRITIC AT LARGE – AT LARGE ALWAYS AND ALWAYS A CRITIC.

You may email me at warren.gerds@wearegreenbay.com. Watch for my on-air features on WFRV between 6 and 8 a.m. Sundays.

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