Warren Gerds Extra! How cold is it? It’s colder than…

Published 01/06 2014 05:48AM

Updated 01/06 2014 05:54AM

Frozen egg
Frozen egg

PHOTO: In a turnabout of frying an egg on a hot sidewalk, an egg is “unfried” (frozen) on a 10-below zero day. Warren Gerds photo

GREEN BAY, Wis., (WFRV) – The temperature outside is frightful. It’s 360-degree cold: No matter which way you go, it is COLD COLD COLD COLD. Truly awful COLD. Mean COLD. Cruel COLD. The worst kind of COLD. It’s colder than…

… than…

… than…

… than…

It’s tough to come up with phrases other than a few colorfully profane ones that have floated around for eons to finish up “colder than…”

I wonder how Neanderthals finished their equivalent to the sentence. Maybe something like, “Grunt, ugh, argh, ssshhhuuuddderrrrrrrrr UGH.” Rest assured, their cold was unspeakable.

Scientists know how cold it can get. Absolute zero. Imagine if we would live in a world where absolute zero were an everyday, real-life experience. A weather forecast would be, “Absolute zero tonight with a warming trend tomorrow to almost absolute zero followed by a heat wave up to dead solid zero into the weekend. Dress accordingly.”

You know it’s cold when your eyeballs lock in place in their sockets…

… when you can read what you said on your frozen breath vapors…

… when a Polar Plunge sounds warm.

… when spontaneous thought takes an hour.

… when Frozen Tundra sounds like a hot dish.

It is then that it’s colder than…

Here we go with attempts to finish the sentence in new, original ways that are repeatable in mixed company:

… colder than an anarchist’s kiss. (A bit obscure, but it sounds cold).

… colder than a delinquent’s quince. (Obscure, but it’s nicely off the wall).

… colder than a polar bear’s bedroom. (Cute, clean, weird and a bit boring).

… colder than a pucker on a frozen playground pole. (Stealing an image from “The Christmas Story,” which almost disqualifies it).

… colder than a con man’s heart. (Close. Can’t you just see the crocodile tears as he stands before the judge at sentencing?)

… colder than a hacker’s heart. (That’s cold. Speechlessly COLD. Too close to the truth. Not enough fun with that phrase.)

… colder than a fish out of water. (Cosmic. It’s a mixed metaphor that steals an old saying and bends brains, like COLD does.)

The current cold snap will have people talking about the weather. You may hear these lines more than you want to:

“Cold enough for you?”

“Spring sure looks good ’bout now.”

“I remember it being worse than this back in…”

“My car won’t start.”

“Grin and bear it.”

We know that cold can’t be angry. But it can be bitter. What is there for cold to be bitter about? But I guess when you are colder than… whatever … you become bitter.

You may email me at warren.gerds@wearegreenbay.com. Watch for my on-air features on WFRV at 6:45 p.m. Thursdays and every other Sunday between 6 and 8 a.m. (usually around 7:45 a.m.)

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